


What could have been...

by Donotmind_mehere



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Aziraphale Has an Anxiety Disorder (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale and Crowley in Love (Good Omens), Caring Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Comforts Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is Bad at Feelings (Good Omens), Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gabriel is the worst, Gen, Hurt Aziraphale (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), No Fluff, Past Abuse, Post-Canon, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Verbal Abuse, at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24339685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donotmind_mehere/pseuds/Donotmind_mehere
Summary: He’s done this dozens of times before now, they ebb and flow and some are worse than others, Aziraphale doesn’t know what they are, where they came from, why they happened shortly after he cut ties with Heaven, maybe they’re a punishment for all his “sins”.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 95





	1. Nothing Really Helps

**Author's Note:**

> I do want to put a Content Waring out for multiple things: Being any Anxiety Disorders/ Panic attack/ anxiety attack this may relate, as well as self-harm/self-hatred/ and load of self-esteem issues that i projected onto these characters.  
> I'm not versed in these subjects on an educational level, but i know first hand how awful this experience can be so please if you're going through this, seek professional help, i promise you it will make all the difference.

Aziraphale closes his eyes. 

Like a blink, except, he lingers on the eyes closed part of it. There’s an energy in his chest, it’s like a quaint ball of fire that is slowly working its way to his throat while leaving a thick residue in his chest. 

His nails dig into their respective hands, not enough to draw blood, but enough that it’s going to leave a mark. That ball of fire in his throat now, is building, getting denser and increasingly difficult to ignore, his thoughts are popping off like gun fire, his heart is being like hummingbird wings, and he wants to scream, he wants to scream until his throat is raw and his lungs are devoid of air that he doesn't need, but instead he grits his teeth. 

He tries

Once 

Twice 

Three times to swallow the ball of fire in his throat, but to no avail. 

And the need to scream, is getting stronger. 

To combat this, he bites his lower lip, not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough that he feels the pain, this does little to quell his mind and body’s respective request to just scream already!

Because he knows that, no matter how long he tries to hold out, he won’t win, but he’s going to try anyway, he’s going to keep trying because he might win this time.

Then, the pain in his bottom lip is getting to be too much, so he brings up one hand, a perfectly manicured hand, to his mouth and bites mercilessly (ironically) down on the part just between his thumb and forefinger, and exhales warm air from his mouth and nose. 

_ He’s done this dozens of times before now, they ebb and flow and some are worse than others, Aziraphale doesn’t know what they are, where they came from or why they happened shortly after he cut ties with Heaven, maybe they’re a punishment for all his “sins”.  _

The fire in his throat burns brighter, becomes denser, and the pain in his hand is not quelling his desire to just scream already! But he can’t. He can’t, not now. Not today. Not now, not today, not now, and not today. He just can’t. 

Aziraphale opens his eyes for a second, in a desperate bid to shut his brain off, slow his heartbeat, and to get rid of that desperate desire to just scream already!

But his thoughts are, in another bid at sad irony, merciless, pinging him like rapid gun fire, effecting his corporation is ways he wishes he could just stop, miracle away, and be rid of forever. But his thoughts continue their endless assault on his brain, on himself. 

The pings shoot in rapid succession and the order always start off with Crowley, 

Always of Crowley, 

Always the same questions that he dare not ask because what kind of person is he for even thinking of his husband like this in the first place?  An awful one. 

But they’re always the same. 

_ Always, does he really love me?  _

_ Is this just an elaborate game?  _

_ Is this just something he’s been faking for personal gain? Personal game? _

_ We’ve known enough for so long, right? You’d think if it was a game, he’d have been less gental, right?  _

_ But maybe Hell knew about it all, maybe this is just a game, maybe I’m just an unwilling participant in Heaven and Hell’s endless entertainment, it’s not like I’m undeserving, right?  _

_ I’ve done plenty of bad things.  _

_ I’ve hurt plenty of people.  _

_ I’ve said so many hurtful things to Crowley that it truly and objectively makes sense that he doesn’t really love me, right?  _

_ Right.  _

_ I’m not worth the effort.  _

_ I’m certainly not worth the millennia of effort.  _

_ I’m not certainly not worthy of his love.  _

_ I’ve done nothing to earn it.  _

_ I’m not worthy of his effort in any regard, love or not. _

_ I failed at being an Angel.  _

_ I failed at being a friend.  _

_ I failed humanity  _

_ I failed Heaven.  _

_ I failed myself.  _

_ But more importantly, I’ve endlessly failed Crowley.  _

And with every thought, the ball of fire in Aziraphale’s throat gets denser and he’s stuck between wanting to cry, wanting to scream, and just trying to make it go away. 

He breaths in. 

Deep. 

He closes his eyes. 

Removes his hand from his mouth.

He opens his eyes 

Exhales. 

Closes his eyes. 

Deep breath.

He can feel his heartbeat slow. 

He tries to leave his mind. 

But the ball in his throat is still there. 

He worries his lip again.

Strains the muscles in his legs.

And quietly at first, he whispers “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” 

This is dangerous, because he has opened his mouth and before the  _ need  _ to scream has left him. 

And like a hunter, striking its prey, his brain shoots him with another set of worries. 

_ You know Heaven doesn’t have to leave you alone.  _

_ You’re just a principality, there’s more like you, more obedient ones, better ones, quieter ones, ones that don’t think as much, ones that aren’t as soft as you. You’re not important, so why do you even bother? Why pretend like you can live this lie, live with DEMON of all creatures. He doesn’t love, you know that but you’re stuck just pretending, no one can love you, you’re worthless.  _

_ What do you think they did to Crowley up there when he wore your skin? Do you think he knows? How awful are you? I’m sure Gabriel told him. I'm sure he saw how weak you are. How stupid you are? I mean he said it himself. “So clever yet so stupid” tsk tsk tsk angle. Your cracks are already beginning to show. You’re falling apart and you’re never going to get put back together.  _

_ Hell doesn’t have to leave him alone either.  _

_ He could be gone in an instant, he could have been dragged back to Hell while he’s out. Did you tell him about the Holy Water? Did you mention it explicitly? If you didn’t, he won’t be prepared. If you didn’t and he dies, it’ll be all your fault. It’ll be your fault and you’ll be alone, just like you deserve! You’ll be alone forever, because if he doesn’t die, he’ll realize how worthless you are.  _

Aziraphale’s heart rate picks up again. Because the pain in his throat is getting hard to ignore. 

And the tears are pushing their way out of his eyes.

And the thoughts are piling one on top of the other and they all came to the same conclusion 

The same thing 

That you, Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate of Eden, Principality, are worthless, you’re awful, you’re not worthy of dirt beneath your feet, because, You. Are. Nothing. 

And he can’t hold it in. 

Can keep fighting it. 

And all the tears begin to fall. 

And the ball in Aziraphale’s throat is released with a final uninhibited flurry of words that reach only one other set of ears than his own. 

“I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” 

As each word leaves his mouth Aziraphale unconsciously slams his fist against the bed that he’s been sitting upon, with each syllable he gets closer and closer to his thigh. He has no intention of stopping. 

Tears are free fall from his face but his eyes are tightly shut. 

The release of energy is cathartic at first but he loses control and his fist connects with his thigh and again and again and again. 

And his throat is on fire from the rage. 

And his brain is fueling that fire with thoughts he has no control over. 

And he doesn’t stop when Crowley gasps at the sight. 

Because he didn’t hear him enter the house, enter the room.

And it isn’t until Crowley grasps his arms, to keep his first from causing more damage and says “Angel! Please stop!” 

That Aziraphale realizes that his legs hurt, that his lip is bleeding a little , that his throat feels like it’s on fire, and that yelling in his brain becomes a quiet whisper instead of an angry roar. And the ball of fire in his throat becomes an annoying lump again. And that all the thoughts that were tracing his brain like bullets in the night, are now like a mist covering the outskirts of his mind.

Aziraphale cries and coughs and stiffens. 

How much of that did Crowley see? 

And then all he can do is cry . 

How much of that did Crowley see? 

And Crowley hugs Aziraphale, assuring him “Everything is okay Angel, I promise, everything is okay. I promise.” 

But how much of that did Crolwey see? 

“I-I-m sorry you had to see that, de-dear, I’m so sorry.” Is all he can manage to say before the rawness of his throat reminds he him to just shut up. 

All Aziraphale wants to do is scramble out of Crolwey’s arms though and pretend that didn’t just happen. 

He doesn’t want Crolwey to be comforting him, no matter how good it feels, he doesn’t want it because he doesn’t deserve it.

He had no reason to act that way, he had no reason to cry, and scream and freak out. He had no reason and deserves no love. 

He had no reason. 

Crowley shouldn’t be comforting him. 

Crowley shouldn’t be trying to make him feel better like this. 

Crowley  _ should _ have told him to “ Just stop already.” 

“ Just get over it Angel, we’ve all been through stuff.”

“I’ve been to actual Hell, Aziraphale, you don’t see me crying.” 

Crowley should be saying all these things, 

but instead he’s hugging him.

Comforting him. 

Really trying to make him feel better. 

And it makes Aziraphale cry more. 

And he hates himself for it. 


	2. Biting down the last word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But here I am crying about it and feeling sorry for myself. Like the selfish angel I am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: AND I APOLOGIZE for the anxiety attacks/ self-harm/ Crowley is REALLY bad at feelings 
> 
> Please take care of yourself ( The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a United States: 1-800-273-8255)

_ Biting down the last word to make it all feel better.  _

_ Biting down the last word to shove the pain away and deal with it another day.  _

_ Biting down the last word to pass the pain down to someone else. _

____________ 

Aziraphale calms down after a while. Crowley did his best to gently soothe the Angel. They remained on the bed, Aziraphale gently wrapped in Crowley’s arms and Crowley, for his half, would say what he thought would help the Angel feel better.

“I love you, Aziraphale.” 

“It’s going to be okay, I’m here now.” 

“Breath love, it’ll help you feel better.” 

“You’re going to be okay, I promise.” 

“It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” 

Every so often Crowley would run his fingers through Aziraphale’s platinum curls, being careful not to pull too hard on any tangled bits, this had always been something that helped ease him when he’d get a little more worked up than normal. 

Crowley only hoped it would work now. 

But this wasn’t  _ normal _ . This was something different, something Crowley hadn’t expected and something he definitely wasn’t prepared for. He didn’t know exactly what to do to calm Aziraphale down, let alone help the Angel. 

When the time came and Aziraphale’s crying had become nothing more than the occasional dry sniffle, when his body ceased to shake and his breathing more controlled, Crowley gave Aziraphale a kiss on the forehead and asked him what he  _ needed _ to know. 

“Aziraphale, what happened just then?” He said gently. 

Aziraphale looked at him for a minute as something like fear crossed his face for a moment before it was replaced with concern and finally a dream like confusion. 

“I don’t know, dear, I’m not sure what that was this time.” He lied and bit his tongue at his careless choice of words 

And Crowley knew Aziraphale was lying then. 

Crowley could feel it, in every ounce of his corporation. 

It wasn’t malicious, it was just, it was concern, the kind of concern that shot through you like lightning and permeated every ounce of his being. 

Why would Aziraphale lie to me? What happened? Why had he acted so violently towards himself? Why had he lied to me? 

“Aziraphale,” Crowley said a little more sternly, “Please, I’m not going to be mad at you, you haven’t done anything wrong. I just need to know if there’s any way I can help you. “ Crowley’s voice dropped low, to an almost whisper “does this have to do with Heaven? Did they hurt you?” 

Aziraphale shook his head “ I promise, there isn’t anything wrong, everything is Tickety-boo.” and as he said this, he got up and made for the door, walking out and heading to the bathroom before Crowley had a chance to say anything more. 

Crowley wanted to roll his eyes at the comment but the situation didn’t really call for that and before he got the chance to ask any further questions he realizes Aziraphale was leaving the room; he wanted to get up a peruse the matter further, but he didn’t know how, he didn’t know what to say or how to say it. He knew Aziraphale was lying but he didn’t have real proof he was lying. He didn’t want to start an argument over a feeling and Azirpahale’s poor choice of words. He didn’t want to invade Aziraphale’s privacy but he knew something was wrong now. And he was kicking himself mentally for not noticing it sooner.

____________

Aziraphale left the room and made for the washroom. He felt terrible about leaving Crowley like that, about lying to his husband of all people, but what could he tell him? 

_ Oh it’s nothing dear, every once in a while I get this inexplicable urge to cause myself physical harm?  _

_ And it only RECENTLY started up! Well recently in terms of, it only really started AFTER Heaven and Hell fired us. Only happened about three years ago. Only happened once we were free to be happy!  _

_ Oh but it’s not just that! It’s also paraded by the never ending feeling like I just can’t stand myself, like I hate myself. EVERYDAY! But don’t worry! I have every right to, you and I both know this so I don’t know why you’re so surprised.  _

_ Because not only have I hurt you, I’ve hurt so many people in the name of the “Greater Good” for 6000 years now and I almost got us both destroyed because I couldn’t just trust you! I just lied to your face more than once! And I’m a horrible being. And I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve this cottage. I don’t deserve the happiness I get from it. I don’t deserve any of it.  _

_ If I could have taken my punishment in Heaven and still saved you, my punishment would still have been too light. But here I am crying about it and feeling sorry for myself. Like the selfish angel I am. _

But Aziraphale hadn’t said any of that, he’s not sure what would have happened if he did but he doesn’t really care to find out either. So he goes to the washroom and splashes water on his face and closes his eyes for a long drawn out moment. Then as he opens his eyes and lets out an equally long breath. He had to get better control of himself. He couldn’t let Crowley catch him doing that again. He hated lying to Crowley, he hated himself for lying to Crowley but he hated himself more and more every second Crowley held him in his arms and comforted him. He felt so much shame and guilt and the worst was, he couldn’t fully understand why. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t told Crowley the truth. He did have an answer for himself let alone his husband's gentle prodding. 

Aziraphale bit his already raw lip. He had to get a grip. Crowley wasn’t going to leave the matter alone for long. 

___

The uneasy peace between Crowley and Aziraphale had lasted exactly a week. Though Crowley wasn’t exactly “mad” at Aziraphale, he had no reason to be, but his worries manifested themselves in less than ideal ways. 

Crowley stayed home, he hadn’t left the house once since that day.

Crowley minded his words more when around Aziraphale, almost to the point of not talking to the Angel.

Crowley stopped yelling at his plants and although the plants were beautiful as ever, they'd begun to forget their place. 

Crowley walked on eggshells around Aziraphale, he wasn't sure why but the Angel gave off an aura of something like fear but not as intense, Crowley couldn’t put his finger on the name of it. 

Crowley became “Not Crowley” and it was wearing them both out. 

Though things were different now, there was something that hadn’t changed: 

“Good morning dear.” 

“ G’morning Angel.” Concerned glance 

The occasional “I love you.” 

“What would you like for breakfast?” 

“How’d you sleep, dear?” 

Crowley made Aziraphale breakfast. 

Crowley sat while he ate, sometimes he’d watch in quiet enjoyment but now he’d watch, face filled with questions he wasn’t able to ask. 

Crowley and Aziraphale would tend their Eden like garden in the yard, but minding a distance now, that felt further then all the 6000 years they weren’t married and living together. 

Aziraphale would read a book. Crowley would be in the other room not too far away pretending to be on his phone, trying to figure out what Aziraphale had meant by “I’m not sure what that was this time.” Because that meant, there had been others that Crowley hadn’t seen, hadn’t been there for. 

On those days Aziraphale worried too, he worried Crowley would ask him again, prod again, and those careless words, Aziraphale would bite his tongue until it was raw and pray he could figure this out before Crowley did. 

At night, Crowley would lay his head close to Aziraphale, pretending to sleep, waiting for another whatever that was to happen if for nothing else, then to properly help his husband. 

And Aziraphale pretended not to notice and gritted through the mental attacks as they came, in silence. In pain. And on some nights he’d force himself asleep, trying desperately to get away from them. 

Until one night it all fell apart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO, okay, super sorry this is not the fluff you might have wanted, and also that it's so short but if you keep reading i might get out of my angst corner eventually! thank you for reading! hope you enjoyed reading it :)


	3. Angel in the pit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, Aziraphale could forget how worthless he was, if he closed his eyes long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: For abuse and many levels such as Psychically/mentally/ and emotionally also anxiety/panic attack  
> Please don't be afraid to seek help, there is always someone out there who is willing to lend a hand to hold or shoulder to cry on! Take care and enjoy

_ I was born cursed  _

_ The mistakes of those who made me live deep within  _

_ I must live my life tepidly  _

_ In order to not repeat the mistakes of the past _

________________________

_ Aziraphale wasn’t a “new” angle by any means. As far as Principalities went, he was what humans would refer to “the oldest”. But that afforded him little in the ways of respect among the other angels.  _

_ Gabriel had been the first to point “it” out. _

_ “You know Aziraphale, vanity is a sin.” He said, a smug smirk on his face.  _

_ “I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand.” He replies.  _

_ Gabriel circled him, inspecting him, eyeing him up and down and back again, the smirk fading with every once over.  _

_ “ I said, you know vanity is a sin, right? It’s a form of Pride. Pride is a deadly sin, you know this right?” He said, slow and malicious, ending his sentence facing Aziraphale with nothing but disgust on his face.  _

_ “Yes, I do know Vanity is a sin. Though I’m not sure why you feel the need to remind me of this. I’ve-” _

_ Gabriel was quick and deliberate with his response not giving the blonde angel a moment to respond fully.  _

_ “Sometimes, I think YOU Principalities forget that.” And when the last syllable left his mouth, he was gone, on the other side of Heaven, leaving the Principality to try and figure out what had happened.  _

_ But he doesn’t get the chance, because something happens, _

_ Something like rage. _

_ Something like sadness.  _

_ Something like shame.  _

_ Something like guilt.  _

_ Builds, bubbling to the surface of Aziraphale's chest and all at once he bursts, tears pouring down his cheeks and a sob stuck in his throat. Aziraphale was stood there for a long while, wishing for the first time ever, he could be a better angel.  _

_ It didn’t take long at all for the other Archangels to fall in line with Gabriel’s methods.  _

_ After the unfortunate incident in Eden, the Archangels decided he’d be sent to Earth because they “couldn’t stand the sight of him.” _

_ “He was a failure” _

_ “A pathetic excuse for an angel.”  _

_ “It’s a wonder you haven’t fallen yet.”  _

_ “You’re not as special as you think, any angel can handle the Earth position.”  _

_ “You’re so ungrateful Aziraphale. We gave you the position on Earth because we thought you could handle it!”  _

_ “You’re a disappointment.” _

_ “A poor excuse of a principality and an angel.”  _

_ “You do what?! Consume the human’s food? No wonder you have that gut!”  _

_ “Why are you crying? There are worse things that could have happened.” _

_ “Why are you angry? We’re only trying to help.”  _

_ ____________________ _

_ After some time of this Aziraphale tried to confront Uriel once when she’d visited Earth, he swore he wasn’t rude, he’d practiced it specifically not to be rude.  _

_ “I don’t appreciate the way you talk to me, it makes me uncomfortable.” Is all he’d said.  _

_ And she didn’t hesitate with her response.  _

_ “We wouldn’t say it if it weren’t true Aziraphale, we care about you and we just want what’s best for you.”  _

_ “Oh…” was all he could say in reply, he’d never thought about it that way.  _

_ Aziraphale had thought that'd been the end of it, she didn’t say anything else for the rest of her visit on Earth. When she’d left, she smiled at him, it didn’t even make him uncomfortable.  _

_ Aziraphale thought that was the end of it all until some days later when Gabriel came to Earth. _

_ Before Aziraphale could say “Hello” Gabriel had hit him so hard it knocked the blonde to the ground.  _

_ “What did you say to Uriel?” He said calmly, towering above Aziraphale.  _

_ But he was dazed and barely got out a “wha-“  _

_ Before the Archangel’s voice rose asking again  _

_ “WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?”  _

_ The blonde angel tries to get up but the archangel gives him a look that screams “Get up and see what happens.” So he stays where he’s at, tears welling up, being hard fought back.  _

__

_ “I-I told her, “ Aziraphale swallows hard. “ I just told her, I didn’t appreciate the way that she and the other Archangels spoke to me, the things you said to me, have been saying to me…”  _

_ Gabriel rolls his eyes “ You hurt her feelings, you know? She came back to Heaven crying, saying you’d said something about us disrespecting you?”  _

_ Aziraphale bites his lip. And isn’t given the opportunity to answer before the Archangel is close to his face.  _

_ “Listen Aziraphale, Earth is a great opportunity for you to gown and learn as an angel, you asked us to be here, you asked us for the opportunity. If what we were saying wasn’t true, then we wouldn’t be saying it. If you don’t want us to say those things about you, then start acting like a real angel, okay?” _

_ Gabriel smiles nodding his head before leaving, leaving the blonde once again wondering why he was such a failure. _

_ No matter how hard Aziraphale tries to do better the Archangels remind him of his shortcomings and the only solace Aziraphale had is that he could go centuries without hearing their words or without seeing their faces.  _

_ Sometimes Aziraphale could forget what a disappointment he was, sometimes he could do actual good, and actually help people. Sometimes he could let himself believe he was capable of loving someone and being loved back by them. Sometimes, Aziraphale could forget how worthless he was, if he closed his eyes long enough.  _

_ And every time he found this peace, it wasn't long before someone would fly down and remind him of his place. _

_ And at some point Aziraphale resigned himself to the idea that: This is the way it is, and that he might deserve the way they treated him, because it only happened when he did something wrong. _

_ Even after an apocalypse-that-was-supposed-to-be, didn't happen. Aziraphale never truly forgot this.  _

_ Even after he was released for the shackles of Heaven and was free to be happy, he never really forgot the lessons he had learned.  _

_ _________ _

Aziraphale had no reason to cry. 

He had no reason to cry.

He had no reason to cry. 

He had no reason to be as sad as he was in this moment 

He had no reason, no reason at all. 

He kept repeating it in his mind “ you have no reason to cry. You have no reason to be like this. You have no reason to cry.”

But of course, when did he ever need a reason? 

The tears were pricking the corners of his eyes, his breathing was getting progressively less and less steady, his heart rate had picked up significantly, his throat was tight and his brain was pinging him with thought, all he could think now was how much he hated himself and how much he needed to calm down, because Crowley was there pretending to be asleep. 

He dug his nails into his hands and breathed in deeply. 

_ Isn’t this rich you’re trying to calm down? What are you afraid for? That the demon is going to see you? See how pathetic you? Afraid he’ll leave once he sees what you really are? How bad you can really get? What are you afraid of? Just let it out.  _

“Stop!” Aziraphale cries, tears finally falling from his face.

________

And Crowley is awake. 

The sight before him is distressing to say the least, nearly as bad as the last time except this just started and all Crowley could thinking was “Oh, my poor angel”. 

_________

Aziraphale's unfocused crying turns into vicious sobbing when he realizes he said that out loud. Aziraphale knows Crowley will see every gritty detail. His heart clenches and the amount of hate he feels for himself is unrivaled by any will Heaven or Hell could ever have for him. Aziraphale wants to die, not discorporate, he wants to die, in this moment now, with the way Crowley is looking at him, he wants nothing more than to have never existed.  _ I wished I’d never existed _ .

_______

His heart aches at the sight of him, Crowley wasted no time in trying to comfort his angel though he had to admit to himself that he isn’t sure what to do.

Aziraphale had curled himself into a tight ball, a pillow acting as a cushion between his face and knees. Violent sobs wracked his body and Crowley is what? Just sat there? 

So he sits up, crosses his legs and decides what he is going to do. 

He places one hand on Aziraphale's back, rubbing small circles into the tartan print of his husband's pajamas. He does this while telling him about the dream he had  _ totally  _ been having and didn’t make up at all. Hope that it does something to help the angel. 

  
  


__________

He keeps his voice low and after well over an hour of this, Aziraphale's crying, though not fully stopped, has eased a little from its original viciousness.

And though Aziraphale can’t see him, he knows Crowley’s face is full of nothing but concern and questions. 

Questions that Aziraphale might not be fully obliged to answer, but he will, Crowley deserves to know at least as much as I can tell him. 

“I don’t know what it is.” Aziraphale starts, his voice quiet and shaky.

“I don’t follow.” Crowley replies, trying not to push the angel into saying anything he doesn’t want to. 

Aziraphale breathes in and lets out a deep shaking breath “I-I don’t know what  _ this  _ is, Crowley. It just happens. And they’ve only recently started  _ happening.”  _

Crowley doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know what to say. 

“ How “recent” is recently?” He bites his tongue, dreading the answer, because without knowing, he knows what it is. 

“Crowley…” Aziraphale sighs “ it’s been since we stopped the apocalypse.” 

Aziraphale's answer broke Crowley’s heart, not fully because he thought he was at fault, but because he realized this had been going on for so long and he hadn’t known.  _ How could he? _

It broke his heart because his angel was going through this alone. It broke his heart because what could he have done then, that he can’t do now? 

“Aziraphale, I’m so sssorry….” is all he can say because he doesn’t really know what else he can say. 

And when he says this, the angel’s puffy eyes meet his, shining with unshed tears. In the moonlight they sparkled so bright that could have blinded the demon. His heart melts with love and sadness and for the briefest of seconds Crowley could have cried himself. 

“ I don’t- “Aziraphale cuts himself off “dear, it isn’t your fault. It’s my own, I’m doing it to myself…” 

Crowley’s sadness gives way to a mild confusion “Aziraphale, what do you mean?” 

Aziraphale looks away from him, instead taking great pains to focus on the tangle of sheets and covers. 

And after a long minute he answers “it’s just that...I keep thinking these thoughts, even now, and I don’t...it’s on purpose. I don’t think it is but….” tears creep back into Aziraphale's vision and he buries his face into the mattress wishing Crowley hadn’t seen him that day. Wishing he didn’t have to explain this. Wishing above all else, for this feeling to just stop. 

He wonders how much longer Crowley will put up with him, how much longer Crowley will deal with him not answering his questions. If he could bet, he wouldn’t say long, he knows he’s not worth the effort, not worth the time it’d take to figure it out. He knows he deserves to suffer alone. 

Crowley puts his hand in Aziraphale's hair and lays down so that he faces him. 

“Aziraphale, I might not understand this any better than you and I don't expect what I’m about to say, to make you feel much better, but I’m going to say it anyway. 

We can figure this out together. You’re not alone anymore, whatever it is, we can figure it out together, we’re on our side now, that doesn’t just mean from Heaven and Hell, that means from anything that could cause either us harm.” 

“I don’t deserve  _ our side,  _ Crowley.” Aziraphale whispers into the bed.

But Crowley heard it loud and clear. 

He nudges Aziraphale and the angel lifts his head “ Yes, you do Aziraphale. I’m here for you.” 

A seemingly endless pool or tears well up in Aziraphale's eyes again and although the hate he feels for himself hasn’t gone away. A nugget of hope finds a place in his heart and soul as Crowley pulls him closely and kisses him. 

They both sleep that night and it is the first truly peaceful night in all of his existence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MADE IT WORSE BUT I HOPE THAT ENDING WAS WORTH THE PAIN IT TOOK TO GET THERE! Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
